Not my will... But Your will to be done!

I guess this time round, the following things that I am going to share is going to be one of the greatest confession I’ve made so far in my life…

All these while, I’ve been feeling very insecure and very inferior, compared to those who are around me. In fact, I feel as if I am a failure in life. Although I am a professing Christian and have gone through what most people might not go through but I still feel very inferior of myself.

Why stirs me to write all these things into my blog? Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe this will show many people in the world that being a Christian is not a bed of roses and that being a Christian you’re still a human in flesh and blood after all…

In recent week, I’ve been facing a lot of stuffs which aims at my character. One was targeted at my honesty, the next, was towards my pride and the urge to want to defend myself from opinions etc.

In fact, what happened these couple of weeks, are actually the things I have been facing all my life. I have faced rejection, honesty, pride, hurts and myself… I mean the true Calvin, who is deep inside. I feel insecure and feel lousy of myself and that no one really cares about me or even loves me.

You know, sometimes it is just so ridiculous to find that I’ve been deceiving myself with eyes wide open. The refusal to face problem and facts really got me into deep trouble and misunderstandings. It’s also the events that happened these days, that wakes me up to reality and fact that I need to face these enemies, if not, I’ll either lose my life or worse…. My relationship with God, which I’d not want to give up…

When facing with these problems, one tends to hide or even worse, deceive oneself that this is not happening. That is just another attack from the devil, wanting me to fall from God’s hands etc…

Earlier on, I sent an SMS to Pastor to tell him that I find I’ve a major problem with my attitude, pride and all. While sending the message, I almost broke into tears. I want to change but it seems so hard, so difficult and so… I’m so useless, so… *speechless*

If I can, I really hope that things will happen and I loose all my memories etc or even restart life again but I cannot. If I were to loose my memories, how can I remember the things I’ve learnt in Bible School? How can I remember those who care for me? How can I remember my very family members?

I cannot let the devil defeat me by allowing it to speak into my life that I cannot make it in life. There is, after all, no more condemnation for those who are in Christ! I am born again and I have a new life now. I cannot walk in my old ways. I need people who are able to help me to be better, not bitter. I need a total change of attitude in life!

I need help! I need breakthrough! I need someone to guide me and help me in such a time as this… to really encourage me!

I know this will not be a smooth and pleasant ride. This will also not be the wonderful experience I’ll go through in life but I know that it’ll be a turning point in my life. At the end of the day, I want to see a changed person in me. Do keep me in prayers if you understand what I am going to go through and pray that I’ll have the strength to go through it all. Amen?