Happy Father's Day!

It’s Father’s day! On this day, I would like to write about my beloved Dad who have been dear to me and have doted on me since the day I am on earth. I love my Dad but I do not know how to express my love towards him.

I was brought up in a family which seldom hugs one another. The only time I had been hugged by my Dad was when I was really young. However, since then… I’ve never hugged my Dad at all.

Do not be mistaken that I do not love my parents. I do love my parents and really appreciated that they have done in my life. They are really awesome and really sacrificial towards my siblings and me.

I love my Dad and really appreciate what he’s done for the family and me. I admire his courage, the kind of strength he posses and the kind of sufferings he’s gone through. I know that there are times I broke his heart and said nasty things towards him but I really do not mean what I say during that time.

I really do not know what will happen if it’s not for my Dad. He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever known besides Jesus Christ. Although my Dad’s not saved nor am I brought up in Christian family, my Dad was the one who paid for my education even when I was in Bible School! (Though not the complete fees as there were a few times that God paid for it.)

My Dad is not really highly educated. Neither is my dad really that rich. In fact, my dad is just a common guy with extraordinary courage and strength.

My Dad was from a rich family but after a chain of family events, he did not inherit the fortunes my grandfather left for him.

Anyway, I’m PROUD of my dad and am glad that he’s been a very nice a wonderful dad. Of course, I’ve not forgotten about my Heavenly Father. He’s always there whenever I am down. Even these couple of days, I’ve been rather rebellious but His Mercy endures forever and His love for me is ocean deep. His love flows like river upon my life…

I’m glad that I am really fortunate that I’ve two Fathers. One, who is my real parental father who loves me while the other, is the One who Created me and formed me. He knows every single detail of my life!

Thank God for such wonderful life I am living… Father, I love You! Dad, I love you too!

Not my will... But Your will to be done!

I guess this time round, the following things that I am going to share is going to be one of the greatest confession I’ve made so far in my life…

All these while, I’ve been feeling very insecure and very inferior, compared to those who are around me. In fact, I feel as if I am a failure in life. Although I am a professing Christian and have gone through what most people might not go through but I still feel very inferior of myself.

Why stirs me to write all these things into my blog? Honestly, I don’t know. Maybe this will show many people in the world that being a Christian is not a bed of roses and that being a Christian you’re still a human in flesh and blood after all…

In recent week, I’ve been facing a lot of stuffs which aims at my character. One was targeted at my honesty, the next, was towards my pride and the urge to want to defend myself from opinions etc.

In fact, what happened these couple of weeks, are actually the things I have been facing all my life. I have faced rejection, honesty, pride, hurts and myself… I mean the true Calvin, who is deep inside. I feel insecure and feel lousy of myself and that no one really cares about me or even loves me.

You know, sometimes it is just so ridiculous to find that I’ve been deceiving myself with eyes wide open. The refusal to face problem and facts really got me into deep trouble and misunderstandings. It’s also the events that happened these days, that wakes me up to reality and fact that I need to face these enemies, if not, I’ll either lose my life or worse…. My relationship with God, which I’d not want to give up…

When facing with these problems, one tends to hide or even worse, deceive oneself that this is not happening. That is just another attack from the devil, wanting me to fall from God’s hands etc…

Earlier on, I sent an SMS to Pastor to tell him that I find I’ve a major problem with my attitude, pride and all. While sending the message, I almost broke into tears. I want to change but it seems so hard, so difficult and so… I’m so useless, so… *speechless*

If I can, I really hope that things will happen and I loose all my memories etc or even restart life again but I cannot. If I were to loose my memories, how can I remember the things I’ve learnt in Bible School? How can I remember those who care for me? How can I remember my very family members?

I cannot let the devil defeat me by allowing it to speak into my life that I cannot make it in life. There is, after all, no more condemnation for those who are in Christ! I am born again and I have a new life now. I cannot walk in my old ways. I need people who are able to help me to be better, not bitter. I need a total change of attitude in life!

I need help! I need breakthrough! I need someone to guide me and help me in such a time as this… to really encourage me!

I know this will not be a smooth and pleasant ride. This will also not be the wonderful experience I’ll go through in life but I know that it’ll be a turning point in my life. At the end of the day, I want to see a changed person in me. Do keep me in prayers if you understand what I am going to go through and pray that I’ll have the strength to go through it all. Amen?

Underaged?

Sigh... Am not sure what is going on with me... Either it's my dressing or the way I look...

Anyway, I went to watch "Slither"... A M18 show. Meaning to say that those who are under the age of 18 will not be allowed to watch the show. Once again... I've been asked to produced my identification again... :(

Sad case right?

I thought I look more mature than what I looked two years back but even till my current age? I mean... Hey! I'd turn ermmm... 30 very soon and... Sigh...

Maybe it's a good thing to many but to me, it is good in a way but it's not really good for me. This is because those girls who are around my age will not come to me at all cos I look much younger than most around my age... :(

Sad case, right?